What I’ve Been Up To…
I know that it’s common for me to disappear for weeks at a time, but I do always find my way back. You’re probably thinking that this time isn’t any different, but alas dear reader, it is. As of a month ago, I have had a full time job. Let me further explain…
I have anxiety and depression. This is not something that I openly share with people, let alone strangers on the internet, but you need to understand the backstory. I have anxiety and depression, and it was controlling my life.
I graduated college in May of 2015 (two years ago already, holy cow), and since then I haven’t had a real job. I went on interviews occasionally, applied to some places, and even managed to work somewhere for a couple of days, but that’s all I was able to do. It was debilitating and frustrating. I felt like I was wasting my life and everyone was judging me, but that feeling was better than the alternative. As time went on, I knew I couldn’t keep hiding from my fears.
In April (right around the time of my last blog post), I decided to start looking for jobs again. My boyfriend got his first real full time job in February, and we’re to the point where we’re ready to start our family together. That, of course, required me to be financially self-sufficient. I applied to where he works because we’re both web designers, and they were looking to hire a new one.
I wasn’t nervous about it at all – even during the interview. That part never bothers me. It was an easy interview with nice people, and I got the job. I started in a week – and that week was complete hell. I couldn’t eat but I still managed to throw up at least once a day. I could barely sleep. I spent a lot of time crying and trying to think of some other solution – anything but being trapped in a full time position. I was taking pills to help with my panic attacks. In short, I was a mess.
My first week there was a little rough. I cried during the hour car ride a couple of times. I was still barely able to eat. That Wednesday was mine and my boyfriend’s 4 year anniversary. I was at least able to find some joy during that day. I was so happy to be going home (I’m staying at my boyfriend’s house until we get an apartment because I live 2 hours away from where I work, and he only lives 1) at the end of the week.
This is my fourth week working there – and here comes the moral of the story. Every step has gotten easier. The work environment that I’m in is much more comfortable than any other I’ve been in before. I enjoy my coworkers, I get to see my boyfriend, and I’m not sitting alone in a windowless room somewhere feeling like I can’t ask questions or that I have to know how to do everything. I like what I’m doing, generally. Nobody makes me feel like making a mistake is a matter of life or death. And even though I’m required to be somewhere for 8 hours a day for 5 days a week, I no longer feel that panic and fear. Just the normal disdain that people feel. And that is so so great.
You can conquer anything. I started taking more meds, which have most likely helped with my anxiety. You know what? Take that help if you need it. It’s so much better than trying to fight through it by yourself. For so long, I’ve avoided these feelings by just not doing anything that would set them off. Eventually you’re going to have to face your fears. And it’ll be hard. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Nothing I say can make you feel better about that. But if you take anything away from my story, know that you can get through it. It doesn’t feel like it, I know, but it doesn’t have to right now. Just keep going for it anyway. You’ll thank yourself for it one day.
So that’s been me for the past 2 years in a nutshell. I probably overshared, but I just needed to write it all out. For me, for you, for anyone who needs some motivation to get through their struggles. You know, honestly, some days I actually look forward to going to work? I never thought that would have been possible.
I’ll get back to writing more about art and web next week. Until then, love you guys, and I hope you do something amazing this week.
- Header image from pexels.com